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What if the Bible was written by J D Salinger

Sermon on the Mount

    Why be worried about what you wear? Look at the lilies in the field, how they get on; they don't work or spin or nothing. But what I say, even with Solomon and all his airs, don't look like that, you know.

Colossians 3:21

    Dads, don't piss off your kids, or they get depressed.

Psalms 27:4

    The only thing I'm asking from the Lord, only thing I'm looking for, is that I can stay at his house for eternity, and just look at him, you know, to look, and say he's pretty and look for him when he is at home. That's it.

Exodus 14:21

     Moses put his hand out over the sea, because he's always doing that, putting out his hand, and then the Lord made the water split and dried the ground. And that was a nice touch, drying the ground, so people's feet don't get wet. And the people of Israel went forth and such on dry ground, since God had just dried it, with water walls on the left and right. The Egyptians went after them mean like, because they’re always doing that, going after other people mean like, right in the middle of it all. Pharaoh had his horses, the guys driving them, and chariots. And what I was wondering was what happened to the fish? Are they in the water wall, or they just go away, or did the Israelites pick them up, maybe to eat them later or to put them back when the water came back? Where did the fish go? That’s what I wanted to know. So I asked Moses what happened to the fish. He said, "what?"

     I said,"the fish, what happened to the fish?"

     And he said, "the fish?" And I said,"yeah, the fish."

    Moses said, "I don't know, they're fish, ain't they?"

     I said, "yeah, they’re fish." So I got quiet, just wanting to know what happened to them. Not like it was a big deal.

     Later Moses looks at me and says,"they're fish, for chrissakes." Moses is always repeating something minutes later after the topic is dropped. I didn't say anything else. I told him that the Egyptians were after us, he just shrugged. Like it didn't matter. After the People of Israel were all safe on the other side and the Egyptians were trapped between the water walls, the Lord let the water go and smote the Egyptians, every single one of them. He was always doing that, smiting. And they died. Later, Moses looked at me and said, "Jesus Christ, they're fish."


what hell
Eldon Litchfield

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